Another year almost again~

So there, I’ve been disappearing for so long from here now that I wonder if anyone still read anything from here. So much has happened, I don’t even know where to start or what to say about. One of the reason I came back writing here was because, social media has backfired on me. I just hope I can just step back into a hole again and never come out but I know I couldn’t, as I know I need to be out there for someone. Well maybe is just only me, maybe these people doesn’t need me anyway.

Well, that aside, let me think where I could start us off, I couldn’t even remember where I left. So umm, I ended my studies officially and finally, after 4 years of up and down of dramas, yes dramas. I stopped for a year after year two, making my final year a year later due to personal issues at home that I would not like to talk about here. But yea, finally I finished. During that one year off, I worked my ass off, moved a few times, found a new found family that I call now, loving them deeply and couldn’t be more grateful for them to have me under their care when I need the most. And people at work, who took real good care of me, make sure I have food to eat always, and even get me groceries to go home. I won’t know what will happen to me without these people during the year.

Family, needless to say, always supportive, although I’m always not the kind that shows my love clearly, but I love them deeply till I don’t know what to say about it. Just be very thankful they’re always supportive of whatever decision I make on my own without questioning too much even though they are not super happy with it. Whatever I do now, I hope to make a better life for all of us, though many tell me, spending time together is more important. But sometimes I realized, this way everyone is so much more comfortable and learn to appreciate so much more, maybe one day, one day again, we’ll all be together again.

As for friends, I can’t love them more for all those who always stick with me no matter what shit I’m goin through, without asking a single question, giving me money, shelter, food and whatever, just to make sure I’m okay. I’m actually pretty okay most of the time just to know  they are always just a device away, I’ll be alright, always. Our friendship has been transformed into another level of keeping it. But hey, things aren’t always like that, I’ve also recently got to know another mode of how people treat others as friends. To just feel good, by giving help when one needed and in return expect that person to be totally ever grateful, no matter what they did to that person, anything at all. Sometimes is not ungrateful I want to be, but I’m just a human, i may seem to be very strong, or perhaps always looked so, but I will too feel hurtful, especially trust is given, and then it have to be broken just for whatever the matter it might be. Let’s just say, it can be forgiven but not forgotten. It changed me forever how I think of them and myself. I guess being an adult and an introvert can be a problem.

I have no idea. How all these have come about like this. Maybe is just matter of realization or perhaps it’s not true at all, is just me. But whatever it is, yeah, is just me. So this another thing, I do not know I should trust the mutual feeling I felt towards someone I have been given my trust and all of my trust and rely on almost anything for years, and I know this also are same from the other side, I know we trust each other since, God knows for how long. This is an odd relationship of whatever sort we are having, I have no idea really. I am happy enough that it kept us together this long, on and off even, we are still like this. Maybe you have something in mind you couldn’t sort out, or you’re just not brave enough to say or do whatever you want to do, but I need you to know, whatever it is, you’ll always have my support, like always, from the start. Just sometimes I’m disappointed when I needed you, you’re just not there. Is okay, I understand.  But I’ll always be me, right here for you, always. i want you to know, small steps you took, meant a lot to me. I didn’t think I have waited all these years, I just felt days just passed. Looking forward to see what’s ahead for you or me.

Oh well, okay okay, every depressing and emotional things aside. So what else? Let’s talk about my final greatest achievement for my studies, looks like is not the final project I did that I expected lol. It turns out my final project was not very likable by my supervisor, but I did what I think was right for myself at that time, I don really matter the grade, I just want to do something I like and care about that time.

So what’s THAT project I would mention? Is actually another project I did in another subject that eventually got me to my attendance to a conference for electronic arts. It was actually a group project, but eventually my groupmates all can’t make it there, so I went alone, with my professor who has his other projects there as well.  It’s really a great experience. Meeting a lot of people, calling myself or acknowledge by people as an artist. I will never give up I told myself.

Also, it was also my first time ever on a trip all alone, it was at Vancouver, Canada. The long haul flight, made me think a lot. The days spent there alone, also a lot of thoughts going through my mind, but other than that, I’m pretty much refreshed, mind rested looking at new things and places that I didn’t think I could ever been. Also meeting a lecturer that I haven’t been meeting for 10 long years, have some short chat of encouragement really means a lot to me. Life is really changing a lot, I guess we really have to go on, however it is. Of course not forgetting for all the people that make this happen, you guys know who yourselves are, I can’t love you more than I can ever.

Sigh, I’m a bit of numb now of whatever has happened in these two weeks. I have no idea, if I did anything even right. I just know I have to move on, on my own life, and affect other lesser, as one said.

Signing off for now, till next time perhaps, don’t know when.